Oh, Halloween! That hallowed time when Americans of all stripes gather together to spend a night collecting candy, partying recklessly and pretending to be something we aren't. It's like being Cinderella, if Cinderella was an aspiring actress instead of an aspiring scullery maid. And yes, it's worth every penny you'll spend making that incredibly elaborate costume. Except for one thing: despite the billions of possible costume ideas the world has to offer, it is inevitable that you'll be treated to a parade of identical ideas and overdone retreads, almost as if the entire world, faced with a once-a-year chance to really let loose with creative abandon, simply asked their Twitter followers for suggestions.
Don't believe me?
- It's a law of nature that people still think "sexy" anything counts as a costume. It's why half of the local costume store is nothing but nurse costumes, French maid outfits and she-devils.
- For people who want to be brainy, their "sexy" mutates into politicians caught in recent political scandals.
- A huge subset of our college-age population thinks flirting with uncomfortable themes constitutes humor, which is why every Halloween is inevitably followed the following week when fraternity leaders and Prince Harry have to make amends for their costume choices.
- Don't forget that any famous person who died in the three months before Halloween—three months being the longest anyone can retain pop culture trivia—will be paid tribute to as a zombie.
- Any other names in the news? They'll also become zombies.
The absolute worst part is that these are the very costumes that will be hailed as genius. Did you spend all week working on an amazing The Mighty Monarch costume from The Venture Bros.? Too bad, because the jackass dressed as Zombie Captain America is going to win the costume contest. Did you craft an incredible, intricate group costume accurately recreating the NYC skyline? Oopsie, someone came dressed as Sexy Batman, so no prize for you. And lest you think you can win by dressing up as Senator Sexyhumiliation, rest assured there's at least 500 people who had the same idea and probably had a bigger budget.
Better face up to it now because there's no way you can win until you play by the cliches. So since you're not going to take home any prizes or accolades for your Halloween efforts, why not make the best of things. And I'm here to help. You won't win the costume contest battle, but you can win the mockery war with a little game I've invented. Ladies and gentleman: Halloween Bingo.
The rules are simple. First, get at least ten of your friends to play. Then simply print off this form, grab pens and stuff them both in the pocket of your class act Oscar Wilde costume. Every time you see something on the list, check it off. The first person to get a BINGO wins. No, not the actual costume contest itself, but something far more valuable: the right to hide yourself behind a wall of practiced detachment. And you'll do so in a costume that actually looks cool on your Facebook wall five months from now. Frankly, insufferable superciliousness never looked so good!
Well, except for Sexy superciliousness.