If director Garry Marshall were to make a follow-up to his
last two films, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, called Leap Year, he'd find himself entering a surprisingly
crowded field. That's because in the past two years, two separate films titled Leap Year have been released: an only-by-the-numbers
romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, Adam Scott, and Matthew Goode in 2010, and
a dark and disturbing character study starring Monica del Carmen and Gustavo
Sánchez Parra in 2011. To help you decide which Leap Year film is the right one for you—all your movie
selections are synchronized with made-up holidays/quirks of the Gregorian
calendar, right?—we provide this quiz to make the choice easier.
1. Who are you?
A) I'm Anna, an uptight twentysomething Boston gal with a jerk addiction who needs to be degraded and humiliated on my journey to true love.
B) Me llamo Laura, a desperately lonely twentysomething Mexican chica with a sex addiction who needs to be degraded and humiliated to orgasm.
2. What kind of work do you do?
A) Like most other female rom com characters, I have a fussy job catering to rich people—in this case, decorating vacant houses to make them more attractive to prospective buyers—that provides an outlet for my control-freak ways.
B) I'm supposedly a journalist, but I never leave my dark, cramped apartment except to hunt for sex partners at night, so I'm actually probably a vampire blogger.
3. What do you do in your spare time?
A) Oh, you know, typical ladies-in-movies stuff: shop, drink, meetcute, pratfall, look amazing, date dudes way older and uglier than me.
B) Mostly, I pick up random strangers with the seductive allure of my dead eyes and palpable despair. Sometimes I tell astoundingly elaborate lies to my friends and family about visiting exotic locales and doing fanciful activities. I'd say I'm leading a double life, except I don't even really have one.
4. What's a typical outfit for you?
A) At first, tasteful business-casual ensembles: patterned blouse, colorful cardigan, pencil skirt, smart trench coat. But as I fall out of love with tragically douche-y Adam Scott and in love with endlessly smug Matthew Goode, I suddenly find myself in a series of granny sweaters and dirty water-colored dresses. My clothes are in mourning.
B) I'm a writer, so naturally I'm wearing the same sweat-stained t-shirt and crusty underwear I've worn every day for the last lunar cycle. But I like to mix it up a bit when I go out by wearing a little black dress that I think is slinky but anyone else would say is too tight.
5. What are your life goals?
A) To combine my Amy Adams genes and my boyfriend Adam Scott's genes to make the world's most sharp-nosed baby. But to make that happen, I first have to go to Ireland to propose to Adam on Leap Day, because Irish tradition grants a lass one day every four years to buck traditional gender roles without feeling shameful about it.
B) To finally find a sex partner willing to do, uh, let's just say, things Japanese octopi would find revolting.
6. What's so special about leap year(s)?
A) Making a spur-of-the-moment (read: super-pricey) transatlantic trip to propose to a man who just isn't that into me on a "holiday" nobody cares about is totally romantic.
B) My father died several years ago on Leap Day, but I'm clearly over it now and just so cool with it. In fact, SO FAB is my life motto right now! Just last week, I was offered a supermodeling contract and the starring role at the Paris Opera on the same day, but I turned down both opportunities for a free trip to the moon.
7. How might Garry Marshall make you over?
A) I'm already a perfectly blank template for a rom com character, but nobodies Adam Scott and Matthew Goode would probably be replaced by Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey. Jennifer Aniston would also star in the movie, and date one of them for a few months to drum up publicity.
B) I'd be a cupcake baker with a debilitating but never-fattening addiction to chocolate played by the far lighter-skinned America Ferrera. My dead father, George Lopez, would appear to me in a dream to tell me that he'll always look out for me from heaven, except when I'm having sex with Channing Tatum, my baked goods-phobic love interest.
If you answered mostly A's, put down that third glass of white-wine sangria and go read a book. No, not The Rules. A real book. And don't watch the rom com Leap Year.
If you answered mostly B's, for the love of everything that is good in the world, please seek help. Or watch The Help. Or Hugo. Just do something normal for, like, two freaking hours. Then seek help.