None of us are perfect. And someday, some of us might have to go on the run. It's smart to have a plan ready for the day you're forced into hiding—and we've asked the stars of Madea's Witness Protection to share theirs. If Eugene Levy, Tom Arnold, Denise Richards and Romeo Miller go missing, now you—and the cops—know where to find them, and what crime they've probably done.
THE PERP: TOM ARNOLD
NEW IDENTITY: Everything I could think of that I'd want to be is like a professional athlete—retired professional athlete—that would lend itself to being recognized. Or maybe a restauranteur.
SECRET LOCATION: Either Antarctica or the Arctic.
CRIMINAL PAST: Some sort of crime of passion, I assume.
CAN MADEA COME?: If I could be upstairs and she'd be downstairs, it'd be fine. It'd be like liking with your family—you want her around, but not too close. Maybe if I was on the third floor so I could see her when I wanted. I wouldn't want her to stay in my bed—that'd be too many big people.
THE PERP: DENISE RICHARDS
NEW IDENTITY: I've always wanted be a singer. Or a veterinarian.
SECRET LOCATION: I'd like to move to St. Bart's.
CRIMINAL PAST: I'm an accessory who's holding criminal information.
CAN MADEA COME?: Oh, yeah. She's very entertaining.
THE PERP: EUGENE LEVY
NEW IDENTITY: I'm tempted to say Brad Pitt.
SECRET LOCATION: Let's say Maui.
CRIMINAL PAST: Oh my god. [Redacted]
THE PERP: ROMEO MILLER
NEW IDENTITY: If I had to hide as as someone, I'd probably hide out as Justin Bieber.
SECRET LOCATION: I'll be hiding on a private island, Fiji or something.
CRIMINAL PAST: I'll probably be hiding from stalking Jennifer Lopez.
CAN MADEA COME?: That's a hard one. I may be able to handle Madea. I'd definitely try to live with her because I know she'll keep me safe. If I need some food, she's going to go find me some food and cook something up. I'll be good.