Annals of Sub-Literacy

on December 03, 2008 by Steve Simels

So earlier this morning I was perusing my local cable system's listings for what's up on Turner Classic Movies, as is my custom, and I found, alarmingly, a lot of vintage cheese on deck -- The Killer Shrews (a horror film whose titular monsters are actually happy and well adjusted dogs with carpet remnants glued to their backs) and a mini-Bela Lugosi festival including Scared to Death (a horror film narrated by a corpse on a slab, thus anticipating the William Holden narration in Sunset Boulevard by three years).

But what really took me aback was the following descriptive blurb, presented here uncut and unedited.


"One Million B.C.": Victor Mature, Carole Landis [1940] Earth moves, and the meat-eating Rock People banish a caveman to the Shell People, who prefer vegetables.



one mill III.jpg


Obviously, further comment from me would be superfluous, but I should add that it's now my second favorite blurb of all time.

My first, of course, remains an almost Zen koan that appeared in a mid-70s issue of TVGuide.


"Star Trek" -- Operation: Annihilate! On a distant planet, Kirk and Spock find colonists in strange positions.



operation annihilate.jpg


I should also add that I hope someday to meet the authors of both of those gems of incoherent concision, if not, perhaps, to shake their hands.


Tags: The Killer Shrews, Scared to Death, Sunset Boulevard, One Million B.C.

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