Great Moments In "I Don't Think So" (An Occasional Series)

on June 10, 2009 by Steve Simels


anaconda DVD.jpgWith movies, as with so many other things in life, there's stupid and then there's Really Stupid.

And in the latter category, few big budget cinematic artifacts of recent years can compare to the 1997 humongous CGI snake epic, Anaconda.

Jennifer Lopez as a director of nature documentaries -- need I say more? Okay, how about there's a character who's taken out by a fish (which apparently actually exists, but never mind) that swims up the male urethra. If you happen to wear floppy trunks while cavorting in the backwaters of the Amazon, of course.

Seriously -- imagine the evolutionary forces at work for such a thing to be remotely possible, let alone to become a plot point in a major motion picture.

In any event, here's my favorite scene -- the big climactic fight between the titular reptile, J-Lo, a profoundly uncomfortable looking Ice Cube, and the amazing Jon Voight, here sporting a ridiculous Frito Bandito accent and consuming monumental quantities of scenery.

Moments to watch for: At approximately 6:56, the snake, having already reduced Voight's bones to the consistency of the powdered cocaine whoever actually greenlit this mishegass must have been inhaling, swallows him whole and director Luis Llosa photographs him going down the anacondian gullet from a camera vantage point in the beast's stomach. I am not making this up.

Then, at approximately 8:08, the snake hocks up Voight before a suitably grossed out J-Lo, and Voight, despite having been previously crushed and ingested, looks at her, takes an actorly pause, and winks!!!

I am not making this up either.

There's more, but nothing, perhaps mercifully, at quite that exalted level of ridiculousness. In any case, if you are so perverse of eyes and ears to want to experience the rest, you can order a DVD version here.

There's also at least three made-for-TV/direct-to-video sequels, including one with David Hasselhoff, but let's try not to think about those, okay?


Tags: Anaconda, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Luis Llosa, David Hasselhoff

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