Advertisements for Myself

on June 01, 2010 by Steve Simels

Glitter.jpgIf you were around here two weeks ago, you may recall me kvetching about how my great regret in life is never having been quoted in a movie ad.

I was kidding, mostly, but now comes the next best thing: I've been quoted in a Salon story about being quoted in a movie ad!!!

Admittedly, a little meta, but it's something.

Actually, the piece, which ran last Thursday, is about The 10 Worst Reviewed Movies, presumbably of all time, and you can read it over here. I get excerpted from my critique of the nearly career-killing 2001 Mariah Carey vehicle Glitter, which I described as "a butt-numbing exercise in tedium sporadically redeemed by by moments of unintentional hilarity."

Here's the rest of the review, including the best seduction advice evah:

The plot: Big-voiced kid Billie Frank (Carey) is abandoned by her seriously dysfunctional, jazz-singing mom and sent to a foster home, accompanied by a cute kitten that mysteriously disappears until a crucial second-act plot point that simply must be seen to be believed. A decade or so later, at an early '80s disco from hell, Billie is discovered by charismatic, aspiring-producer DJ Dice (Max Beesley). The duo eventually make it to the top of the music-business heap, despite the inevitable romantic misfortunes, industry back-stabbing and the threat of gratuitous violence (which, when it finally arrives, is way too little, way too late, dramatically speaking)...Again, contrary to what you may have heard, Carey can act after a fashion, though dialogue gives her trouble. But her performance alternates between two basic modes - a sort of porn-star, come-hither sexiness and a little-girl-on-the-verge-of-tears sulk - that get very old, very fast. On the plus side, while the script has its share of vintage clichés ("Don't blame me for your failure!"), it also invents some new ones, notably the scene in which Dice seduces Billie by playing the marimba. Aspiring screenwriters take note: The marimba gets 'em every time.


Incidentally,  the author of said Salon piece, Andrew O'Hehir, may think he did me a solid, but as far as I'm concerned he still owes me big time. The week before, also in Salon, he posted a Sundance Fesitval dispatch on Michael Winterbottom's forthcoming film version of Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me which suggested that the film might be worth seeing despite its disturbing depictions of violence. This occasioned some serious garment-rending over at a feminist-oriented website I look at occasionally, and when I suggested in a forum over there that it might be appropriate to hold off on said rending until one had, you know, actually seen the movie...well, let's just say it wasn't my most popular suggestion this year.




Tags: Mariah Carey, Salon, Michael Winterbottom

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